Now if you have bet your money on me being out on a Sunday shopping for diamonds I'd told you to just give me the money and buzz off.. but strange are the ways of the human race. There I was ...
One of my best no... good friends is back from the US of A and she's getting married this week. So me and a buddy got to attend... Dandy! For the record I hate the whole show.. I'm the one who's sitting in the fourth row from the back.. thinking 'God! When will this end?' in most of the few situations that I can't wriggle my way out. This is one of em.
Actually I would have, but she hasn't invited me yet directly yet. So I have to go to deliver some of my patented guilt inducing lines. So Sunday, me and Ankur reluctantly drag ourselves to buy a gift. Now this is one of the things that just outright ticks me off... If I know someone.. no problem but I haven't seen her for like the most part of .. what is it now... 3 years now. Also the fact that she's blessed to have almost anything that she points her little finger to isn't much help. So there we are brainstorming as to what should we get her. Now with our combined brains at the end of a working week (that's not much) here's the list
a diamond pendant, a watch, a 'Buy-yourself-what-you-want' coupon... I'm already tired
So there we are looking for diamond pendants when we wouldn't know a diamond if it turned around and bit us in the ass. First stop was a Gili counter, now we weren't planning to spend too much (since she forgot my bday AND forgot to invite me and rarely ever talk to us. Well on the last one, I don't make much of an effort myself but I never forget bdays!) So this guy is showing all this dainties.. we're thinking 10K tops. Now here's the deal.. for 3-4 K you'll get pendants, real tiny ones as big as the nail on your little finger. Where's the diamond ? Well if you still have one of those cell-slide examining microscopes from science practicals.. now would be a good time to lug it around. At max, you'll see a white sparkle and that's your diamond for that price. I've seen keychains with LEDs that sparkle better than that and they only cost 25 bucks.. 10 if you buy them on a train. So there's this guy going on and on about how he's packed a zillion diamonds into that space, new design,440 carat, buyback schemes and this certified and that... and I'm like yeah yeah.. if I sneeze real hard, I'll be cleaning floors here for life. The story here is that when you cut a real diamond like the ones you see in the Hollywood flicks, the shavings that remain - well that's the diamond on our pendants. They take that and stuff into some nook and cranny on a gold piece shaped like an arrow or a bird or a butterfly or something and sell it to dopes like us.
The ones that are somewhat visible to the naked eye cost 13 K upwards.. I like some (which of course are way over acceptable limits.. but isn't that the case always) but the lines have been drawn. Anyways nothing that took my breath away.. maybe we needed a female opinion. This is definitely not something I was born to do. My friend is equally baffled.
We make an excuse and split to try some other stores. Another rick, another mall, same two zombies. Next we're strolling like we know what the heck we're doing. Another line of eagerly awaiting sales people. These people can sniff idiots I think.. coz as soon as we enter their zone. Whispers, Looks, If they had a tractor beam, they'd beam you in a second. So here's another guy.. same deal. microscopic diamonds on gold buttons... So he's like that arabian urchin... please buy my wares, o fair sir or the evil sheikh will flog me.. Everyone wants to put the pendant on a gold chain so that 'I have a better idea'. Right. If putting something on a gold chain, gave me a better idea I'll buy that chain my friend.
BOSS : When is that prototype going to be done ?
Me : Wait Sir! Let me put it on a gold chain, you'll have a better idea.
BOSS : Oh my god ! I have night vision now.. wait wait..I can see the future. Gishu my boy you're promoted!!!
So they dangled tiny pendants at us but we managed to part with our cards in our pockets. Another rick to the station, we make our way into a Gujju 'Palace' that doesn't sell branded stuff. He's got all this gaudy designs.. but the prices are cheap. Something that should have been in the 13-15K range was being sold for 2K. I asked if they gave some kind of certificate of authenticity. No he says.. you won't get it here. Brains are on fire.. should we ? shouldn't we? I asked him point blank how come these are so cheap.. how do we know the diamonds are real / as per specs ? He retorts these aren't real diamonds!!! A voice in my head goes 'What did I ask for.... ORANGES ?!!!' He then proceeds to say that these are American diamonds.. which is another word for I guess fake or low quality ones. You should have asked for real ones... The real diamonds are on the top floor. Another 15-20 mins looking at the familiar pieces at the now familiar extravagant prices. All that talk about how the branded guys overprice their stuff comes to naught as I see that this guy has more or less the same price (maybe more miniscule diamonds per piece but then who can see them with the naked eye). By now we're pretty sure this guy knows that we know squat about diamonds.. he could have sold us salt and told us that these are finely cut belgian diamonds. We wouldn't have disagreed. So chuck it we say...
It's been a good couple of hours before we began this trek. We go back to the starting point i.e. Square One. We're thinking of buying one from the first set. When we remember to go check out a Tanishq outlet. Small little shop with females in matching sarees.. we're offered chairs to sit down. We take our seats..Kinda felt like an interview.. I guess she noticed the uncertainity in our eyes. She asks 'It's for you sir?' "Yes my fair lady, this here is my gay friend. We're getting hitched tomorrow and I'd like to buy him the biggest rock you have." On the outside, I start justifying "It's for a friend.. a gift... whatever" She smiles coz she knows we've have no idea what we're looking for. I get uncomfy and stand up to look at the array of trinkets that she's got lined up. Finally the golden question 'What range are you looking for?' 5-10 K we say. I guess she was waiting for 100Rs and then she could've kicked us out. So some more strafing, we're tired. I'm almost ready to go to work on Sunday to avoid this torture. Finally we pick one which has a somewhat visible stone and looks like a flower and a leaf.. nice. So we confer and finally I say 'We'll take this'. She's relieved. Then she gets greedy :) 'Sir do you want to look at earrings to go with this ?' In a flash "NOPES"!! No more.. I concede .. Take whatever you want just make this stop. She flashes a wicked smile.. nice poke Missie!
She then looks around to find someone to mind the counter... it made me feel really warm inside. ('Lady, I know we look suspicious but if I wanted to steal something, it would be those XBoxes on the lower floor.. not these puny stones'). She then takes a good 15 minutes to make the money disappear while we watch a heavily madeup creature try on diamonds and strut around in front of a large mirror, then a vanity mirror, then in front of the guy who looked so bored but supportive that it was an open case that he was the victim.. 'Yes that looks good on you... yes that too'. Miss Sales (females really will sell you ice if they want to) returns my card, puts Thumbelina's ring in a small box, puts the box in a big bag along with the bills and all. Finally it's done, all of the involved parties exchange knowing smiles.. So we look at the entire array of pendants that we were choosing from for the last hour, take a deep breath and make our way out of there. Once outside the mall, we check our nostrils... no diamonds. Damn! those tiny little buggers are not as light as they look.
The whole thing did no good to our self esteem.. to buy a decent rock, I'd have to sell off something or someone and then borrow some more. So losing your card in a dustbin is a far more acceptable option that getting entangled in one of these glittering webs.. "Come into my parlour... said the spider to the flies"!
**** UPDATE
I seem to have stepped on some toes with this post. Well now deleting this post wouldn't make a difference coz words once spoken can't be taken back... So I'll keep it here. I wish she knew that hurting her was the last thing I would ever do... I wish people wouldn't take me so seriously!
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